Would you rather date Edward Scissorhands or Willy Wonka?

I would like to credit the lovely Janna Kostelyk for creating this brilliant question:

Would you rather date Edward Scissorhands or Willy Wonka? (Keep in mind that dating implies a certain amount of physical intimacy!)

Robin:
First, a note to our readers:

In light of our present academic workloads, Cira and I have both committed to keeping our responses brief. You can expect less research and more personal bias. Our hope is to keep the same lighthearted tone that you enjoy. If you hope to learn something rational and/or substantial, we are more than happy to direct you to a number of great local libraries and educational facilities. Now to the question at hand...

Christmas is coming ever so quickly, so I'll answer with an imaginative case study:

December 17th, 2010:
I'm scrambling to get ready for my boyfriend's work Christmas Party. He's already here to pick me up, chatting incessantly about holiday product lines, ignorant of my panic. My hair won't do a thing and after a frustrating 45 minutes I decide to put it up into a plain bun and wear fancy earrings instead. My jewelry box is full of big, bright jewelry pieces from Willy. Fittingly, they all look something like candy. Sadly, none of them are delicate enough for my favourite frilly black dress, so I pick out my usual diamond studs. It's already 5:37pm. We are going to be late. I go to put on my black dress, but it seems much tighter than last year. I guess the endless supply of sweets has gotten to me. I pull and tug on the zipper, squishing various body parts as much as possible and working up a sweat to get it done up. I feel like a sausage in it's casing. There's no time to change. I'll just have to suck it in and go easy on the buffet. Emerging from my room, I give Willy a quick kiss. As always, he looks great. Perfect skin and hair. Well-tailored clothes.

"How do I look?" I ask. More than ready to receive a compliment after such a long, stressful beautification process.

"It's a bit depressing don't you think? No colour at all. Don't you have something that looks a bit tastier?" Willy says frowning. I give the "Robin Glare." I don't know why I bother even trying. Like most men, Willy's got a one track mind. All candy, all the time. I guess I can't blame him for it. If anything, I should be focusing on personal aesthetics as a form of Oompa-Loompa repellent. Now that I think of it...I remember a certain half-pint co-worker trying out some of Willy's experimental gum so that I would "squeeze the juice out of him..." *Shudder*

December 17, 2010:
It's 5:30pm and I'm getting ready for a romantic dinner with my boyfriend. He's a self-employed landscape artist and hairdresser. I take one last look in the mirror. My hair is perfect (thanks to one of Edward's great cuts), my makeup looks great, and my favourite dress is hitting my curves in all the right places. I head over to his place.

He lives in a fantastic heritage home left to him by his late father. It's romantic and creepy - my favourite combination. To my great surprise, Edward's carved an ice sculpture nativity scene in the front yard, coating the yard with snow. White lights on perfectly pruned Christmas trees in the yard glow softly through the white blanket. As I go inside, I find a feast of pita bread with tzatziki, lemon roasted potatoes and perfectly chopped Greek salad. Ed walks into the room with souvlaki laden fingers, fresh off the BBQ. Dang, I love a man in leather.

We sit down to a great meal, pondering existential questions as we usually do. What does it mean to be a created being? What does our form tell us about the Creator in whose image we are made?

Later, and carefully, we move to canoodling by the fire, roasting marshmallows on Edward's scissorhands. The end of a perfect winter night.

Cira:

Robin, while your ‘imaginative case studies’ had me rolling in a fit of uproarious laughter, I feel it my duty to highlight some of your oversights:

I don’t deny that a relationship with Monsieur Wonka would inevitably catalyze significant weight gain. However, I would be inclined to consider dating the world’s best chocolatier at the expense of putting on a few extra pounds. After securing his upmost admiration, I would use my powers of persuasion to convince dear William to invent some healthy alternatives to sugar-laden treats, such as dark chocolate, rich in antioxidants, or candy made from real fruit with no added sugar. I’m sure Wonka could figure out a way to make something healthy taste absolutely scrumdidilyumptious. The man’s a genius after all!

While some may question his character and ethics, one need only to look into Wonka’s past to realize he is a man of great courage and independence. One must take into account that life for young William was not all fuzzy peaches and chocolate-covered roses. As a boy, Will left the oppressive home of his dentist father and overbearing mother, and struck out all on his own in order to build his candy empire. It’s not too often that you meet a man of such immense imagination and business savvy. While his head often appears to be in the clouds, William knows a thing or two about marketing strategies and business administration. He’s a well-rounded catch, to be sure!

Okay, turning to Edward Scissorhands…

I’m not going to deny that on a superficial level, Ed is the more appealing choice between the two. He is irresistibly dark, sexy and elusive, and yet, while he appears to be the ultimate badass, underneath his tough, leather shell is a heart full of warmth and kindness.

In addition to his enticing looks and alluring character, as you’ve rightly pointed out, dating Scissorhands would free you of almost all domestic duties. Ed would no doubt make an excellent gardener, tailor, cook, ice-sculptor, and of course, hairstylist. His skill set and charm, in combination with his mysterious disposition complete with full-bodied leather attire, render him a very eligible candidate for the dating scene.

Oh, but wait! There’s just one thing we are forgetting to consider! Ed’s hands are made out of a copious assortment of sharp-edged blades over which he does not possess total control! It is not difficult to imagine how dating Scissorhands could easily look more like a reenactment of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre than a relationship! I’m not sure I’d be willing to risk my personal safety in order to give it a go. What if you and Ed were to get in a fight? Think of the consequences!

Finally, the fact that Edward is a man-made man cannot be overlooked. I know you’d like to think that as created beings you and Ed share many commonalities, but let’s face it, while you are both created, ontologically, you and Ed are completely different. Unlike every other human being, Edward does not possess a soul! How could you possibly have a serious relationship with someone who doesn’t have a soul? You might as well date your teakettle or your favorite stuffed animal.

…So, given that I could never connect with Scissorhands on a deep, soulful level, and that a relationship with him would inevitably make me a victim of domestic violence or worse, bring about my premature demise, I would buy some elastic-waist pants and date Wonka. While on the surface the candyman may appear emotionally distant and work-obsessed, I’m sure I could locate and bring out his inner romantic. And if I were to fail, at least I would have an endless supply of chocolate as long as we were together!!